Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
This is hilarious….
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
TODAY
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.