WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
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I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?