The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
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Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.