me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
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Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*