Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
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Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
they really do be looking like this
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.