My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
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First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.