Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
You Might Also Like
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*