Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
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I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles