Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
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[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
nobody’s gonna understand
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled