Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
You Might Also Like
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.