Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
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Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
My daily affirmation
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy