pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
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Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
No Google it does not
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.