Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
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[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
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What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*