Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
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i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis