my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
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[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
when there are deer in the woods
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
*pronounces patio like ratio
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.