Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
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Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”