I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
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As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.