I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
You Might Also Like
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
6: are snakes just neck?
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.