Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
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Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)