Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
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When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.