Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
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“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.