Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
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I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november