My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
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I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.