Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
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The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime