“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
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Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Happens to everyone.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
He-man has a Masters degree
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.