A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
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If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Festive toon…
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.