Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
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Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.