if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
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*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
When you let grandma cat sit
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.