Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
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thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance