Roses are red, you always mattered,
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I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
worst…sale…ever
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now