Botany good plants lately?
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I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.