TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
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ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)