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Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Me buying fruit and veg
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
3% human
97% stress