the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
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All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping