Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
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A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus