*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
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Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators