Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
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me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail