Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
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me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Don’t we all.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
The dark side of Canada
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Kids, do not try this at home!
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*