My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
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*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
me refusing to leave twitter
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”