Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
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Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
They got Raph!
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
“TGIM!” – My liver
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,