My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
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my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me