vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
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My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Pigeon open mic night.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist