My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
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“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
yeah no that’s fair
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”