Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
You Might Also Like
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Nice try, poison.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies