“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
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I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Storm Tropical Storm
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️