Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
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Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.