It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
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I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Sorry. Not sorry
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.