Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
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You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
can I use a minion as a tampon
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.