MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
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I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
When someone trying to leave me
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired