THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
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Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.